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Going back to the basics

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For as long as I can remember, I have always had a plan for my life – where, when, who, what would be involved. Now, for the first time I am lost, so lost that it seems surreal.  Last 365 days of my life I wanted a microwave life, I wanted fast, simple, easy and NOW! Needless to say prior to that my life took a drastic turn through a balance of life and death. So by no means could any of it possibly be microwaveable.  But, leave it to me Andrea, the stubborn always in control of her life and her destiny was she not going to have it her way, I guess no one mentioned that this life is certainly not Burger king on having it your way.

Between the side effects of weight gain, depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, bills, lack of employment, a son who would not work or help out around the house and loneliness. I felt I was lost, no hope, no knight in shinning armor was going to rescue me. Forget Iyanla fix my life … I need Jesus to fix my life and I needed all the time and patience I could muster up within me, if I was going to save me – from me. I needed to invest in me, but how can I do that when all the money I received from Long Term Disability was going towards paying bill and trying to stay alive. My birthday is in 34 days, so I have 34 days to make 34 positive changes and steps to fixing my life – I will be back to count down every single day……

Starting with

Dear Dairy, Day one – beginning this journal today’s feel good song is…

Private Party – India Arie

Lyrics

I’m having a private party
Ain’t nobody here but me, my angels, and my guitar, singin’
“Baby, look how far we’ve come, yeah”
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah

I tried to call my mother, but
She didn’t get where I was going
I called my boyfriend, and he said
“Call me back a little later, baby.”
I hung up the phone, I felt so alone
Started to feel a little pity
That’s when I realized that I
Gotta find the joy inside of me

I’m having a private party
Ain’t nobody here but me, my angels, and my guitar, singin’
“Baby, look how far we’ve come, yeah”
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah

I’m gonna take off all my clothes
Look at myself in the mirror
We’re gonna have a conversation
We’re gonna heal the disconnection
I don’t remember when it started
But this is where it’s gonna end
My body is beautiful and sacred
And I’m gonna celebrate it

I’m having a private party
Ain’t nobody here but me, my angels, and my guitar, singin’
“Baby, look how far we’ve come, yeah”
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah

All my life (all my life)
I’ve been looking for (I’ve been looking for)
Somebody else (else)
To make me whole (oh)
But I had to learn the hard way (oh)
True love began with me (oh)
This is not ego or vanity (oh)
I’m just celebrating me

I’m having a private party
Ain’t nobody here but me, my angels, and my guitar, singin’
“Baby, look how far we’ve come, yeah”
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah

Sometimes I’m alone, but never lonely
That’s what I’ve come to realize
I’ve learned to love the quiet moments
The Sunday mornings of life
Where I can reach deep down inside
Or out into the universe
I can laugh until I cry
Or I can cry away the hurt

I’m having a private party
Ain’t nobody here but me, my angels, and my guitar, singin’
“Baby, look how far we’ve come, yeah”
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah

Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to me (Happy birthday to me, ooo)
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday

I’m having a private party
Ain’t nobody here but me, my angels, and my guitar, singin’
“Baby, look how far we’ve come, yeah”
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah

I’m having a private party
Ain’t nobody here but me, my angels, and my guitar, singin’
“Baby, look how far we’ve come, yeah”
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah

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