Phoenix: Live Love Laugh

You know the old saying:
“Anyone can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a dad.”

The truth is, we all have fathers — or at least we did at some point — but not everyone has a dad.
A real dad nurtures a child’s intellectual, emotional, physical, social, and spiritual growth.
I never had that. I still don’t.

I’m not denying that my father, in his own quiet way, might care for me.
But dreams of building a close, loving relationship with him after 40-plus years have long faded.
Communication skills? Zero.
Advice? Zero.
Words of love, encouragement, pride? Never once spoken.

I’ve never heard:

• “I love you.”
• “I’m proud of you.”
• “I care about you.”

Instead, I hear excuses from others:
“That’s just the way he is.”
“He’s old now, let it be.”
“That’s how Caribbean men are — they don’t talk about feelings.”

But I’ve chosen not to accept those excuses.
Because what I’ve learned is this: People can change their behavior when it truly matters to them.
If I wouldn’t accept emotional neglect from someone I’m dating or married to, why should I accept it from the man who helped bring me into this world?

The Memories I Carry

I always wished for better, more meaningful memories with my father.
Instead, what I remember most is him telling me at 18 that I had ruined my life — that I would never graduate high school or go to college because I got pregnant.

Well…

• I graduated high school with honors.
• I earned my Master’s degree with a 4.0 GPA.
• I was accepted into four honor societies (joined three).
• I raised that “life-ruining” child into a thriving, amazing 27-year-old — without ever asking him for help.

Every step of the way, I chose perseverance over his negativity.

Understanding, But Not Excusing

Years ago, while trying to understand a man I was dating, I read The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman.
That book opened my eyes to the different ways people express and receive love:

• Words of Affirmation
• Acts of Service
• Receiving Gifts
• Quality Time
• Physical Touch

If I’m honest, my father’s “language” seems to be Acts of Service — providing financial help when asked.
It’s a hard pill to swallow.
It’s even harder to understand.

Maybe because I’m a parent now, I’ve always craved a deeper emotional connection—not things, but genuine love, support, and presence.
I don’t need anything tangible to feel complete.
But I believe most people—at least the ones honest with themselves—long for an emotional bond with their parents.

What makes it even harder is when outsiders — “village people” — offer the kind of support and affection I always wished for from him.

As Father’s Day Approaches

With Father’s Day coming up, I reflect on it differently now.
For my mother’s sake—who reminds me gently, “No matter what, he is your father”—I will continue to show respect and honor.

Because the Bible says:
“Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” — Exodus 20:12

And I will.

But honoring someone doesn’t erase the emptiness that lingers.
It doesn’t fill the void.
It doesn’t rewrite the memories.

It simply acknowledges the truth:
He is my father.
He was never my dad. My mom says when I was little he would carry me on his shoulder to the beach every weekend. I have no memory of this.
And somehow, despite it all, I continue to rise, love, and live—carrying both the pain and the strength it built inside me.

“Respect may be given, but connection must be earned.”

“Some bonds are built by blood. Others are built by love.”

“I honored the title. I survived the absence.”