2019 trials and tribulation · Black girl magic · Feelings · Sickle Cell Disease · Spiritual, devotion · Thoughts

Father but not a Dad….

Not me or any relationship to me

You know the old saying anyone can be a father but it takes a real man to be dad. We all have fathers (or at one point or another we do or did) very few have dads. The goal of a father’s involvement is to nurture his child’s intellectual, emotional, physical, social and spiritual development. (I never had and still don’t have any of that)

Not disputing the certain – same type of love my father has for me but no where in my dreams or reality do I see that type of relationship developing after 40 plus years. Communication skills Zero, advice Zero, Love and Care probably mentally but never vocal. I have never ever heard the words I love you, I am proud of you, I care about you. I have heard people’s excuses for the behavior “that’s the way your father is” Leave him a lone he is old”. “That’s the way he was raised”, “You know Caribbean men don’t talk about feelings” Well I choose not to accept any of these because what I have learn is we can change our behaviors if it matters to us. If I won’t accept it from someone I am dating, or married to why should I accept it from the man who helped bring life to my existence.

Always wished for better meaningful memories of my father. What I do remember is telling me I ruined my life and I will never graduate High School or go to college because I got pregnant at 18 .. well.. Not only did I graduate with honors from High School… I graduated with my Master’s degree with at 4.0 GPA and currently in 3 honor societies (I got accepted to 4 but didn’t join the first) Never asked for help or anything for that child now 27, who was supposedly going to ruin my life. And the many more life interruptions of negativity.

After reading The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, written in 1995, to understand this man I was dating I got a better understanding for what love languages are.

The Love languages describe the way we feel loved and appreciated. Depending on our individual personality types, we may feel loved differently than how our partners do. (In this case people)

Understanding and decoding the love languages will help take the guesswork out of people’s expectations and needs. According to Dr. Chapman, there are five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. While I believe his language is Acts of Service – although a hard pill to swallow and a even more difficult one to understand I have to respect and honor it. He does financially when asked. Maybe because I am a parent I have always searched for some emotional attachment or connection. I do not need anything tangible, I am complete and whole just in case someone says she is a grown woman and don’t need emotional connection. To that I would say most people would want a great emotional attachment to their parents at least the ones who are honest with themselves. Makes it even harder that when outside villagers provide this connection.

So with Father’s Day approaching and for my mom’s sake, because she always say to me “no matter what he is your father” true indeed mommy “he is just my father” I will continue being respectful and honoring him as my father because the the 10 commandments says: Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you. . but it leaves a void somewhere in me.

I will forever be thankful for my village who showed me more than I asked for.

2 thoughts on “Father but not a Dad….

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