My story is filled with broken pieces and terrible choices. It’s also filled with a major comeback, peace in my soul and grace that saved my life. The thing about having too much time and having an active mind that is constantly processing things, information, life, and people, you need an outlet to sometimes get them out. I have been a bridesmaid seven times (7) yes you heard right that includes a maid of honor too. So, I have seven happily married friends and family out there. Well, one I am not sure where they went wrong but apparently they did and now they co-exist together.
Anyone who really knows me knows I love-LOVE. So I am one of LOVE’s biggest fan and cheerleader. Which leaves me to wondering or thinking why doesn’t love LOVE me back. I have seen many meme about you are enough, listened to many motivational speeches on relationships, they all have one thing in common reiterating you are “enough” and that got me thinking “was I never enough?” “How does one become enough” “Does enough come with a criteria?” I have had three instances where break ups lead to the ex marries the next person despite of not loving that person or being trapped into the marriage through pregnancy or threats. Is that what enough has became? living unhappy or trapped. Does it take settling to be enough?
I recently had a conversation with someone who fit into the above category of marrying someone because she got pregnant and the pressure from others to do the right thing but now after 18 years he now looks as marriage as over rated. That conversation turn me soar to the close relationship we had only because how could you say some thing that God put in order the right way to be over-rated. I believe marriage or even relationships has lost it’s true meaning and value. Its all about status, society, greed, egos and lack of privacy, everything needs to be out on social media, Some people are quick to have an audience to a person’s ego instead of uplifting their progress.
Now that I am older and more spiritually informed I no longer think love don’t love me or that I am not enough. Because God told me a long time ago I am enough. I am too enough to settle or worry if others think my interview process is taking to long, I need to be sure that I recognize and I am ready for the one God sent to me. He will know and understand this: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
I think I spent most of my younger dating years roaming around looking or trying to find the idea of LOVE by a feeling just in my heart or a person only to be disappointed time and time again. I spend time cultivating my idea of taking care of someone, cooking, cleaning, buying, supporting, understanding, caring and everything else except asking God for permission. I only started talking to God when I got hurt asking him to show me things. Even sometimes when he showed me I doubted what he showed me and decided to follow my own directions. When you pray about something make sure you listen for the answer. It will not always be what you want to hear but it will be what you need to hear.
For years god was telling me I was enough, but I kept thinking I am running out of time. I have now come to accept God’s timing, not mine. God’s Will, Not mine. God’s Plan, not mine. God’s Glory not mine. I had my life on a time clock but it was MY time clock. God quickly made me so uncomfortable and striped everything away from me that I build in MY time. This was to teach me it’s his time. I am more settled in my singleness that I have ever been and I am still working on it everyday since conversation and friendship was a big part for me. A work in progress I am enough and Love loves me back.