2019 trials and tribulation · blogging · Feelings · Life Advice · Life after a coma · Sickle Cell Disease · Thoughts · Warriors · Writing

Scars – Unapologetic ME

I have blogged and wrote about the world is that battle field. The bible says in Ephesians 6:11-12 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. I believe this with all my heart but in every battle there are scars left over, some small, some big, some external, and many are internal. The internal ones are to me the worst because they are hidden and cause the most damage. Mental illness, depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), sadness, anger, fear, love,hate and I am sure the list goes on. It means living a lifestyle free of shame, guilt and apologies for who you are. It means accepting, embracing and loving yourself, ALL of yourself, not just the parts that are believed to be “lovable”.

It’s taken me five years to defeat the negative talk about myself and get over them. I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday, she lost a lot of weight after a really bad break-up and being in a silent depression over the trauma it caused her. She didn’t lose the weight because of the break-up she lost it when she began to fall in love with herself. After talking to her and telling her she is my motivation on losing weight and beginning to love me again and own it.

I am not sure when or how I fell out of love with me, myself and I, but I did and it happened. I used to be so confident about my appearance, whether I was going to work, church, dinner, movies, the gym or just the mall. That all changed in the last 3 years now I talk negative to myself – I have gained probably 15 pounds (size 12 to a tight size -14) and I feel fat and uncomfortable. It’s not from over-eating eating more medication and surgeries causing pain that I have lack of movement. I look in the mirror and I wonder there was once a beautiful woman steering back and even though people still say this to me I don’t feel it. , My freckles have now doubled in growth, cheeks are chubby, scars from neck down. Is that what people see when they look at her?

No matter how happy someone may seem, they have moments when they question if they can go one.

No matter how confident someone may look, there are times when they feel unsure and insecure.

No matter how strong someone may appear, they have days when they feel like they’re falling apart.

NEVER think you’re alone with your struggles. You are not a mess. You’re human.

My body is and has changed faster than I can keep up, so I stop keeping up and going the extra mile. I have allowed my situation to cloud my acceptance of my battles. My scars are so vivid, that some part of me died with them. Falling in love with me means I have embraced my war scars (although I have no problem explaining their battles) I have not accepted them my badges of honor. So my first step is to brake down my badges to you.

“Time heals all wounds but a scar remains forever” – Kane Slavuta

Never be ashamed of a scars that life has left you with. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed, you have endured the pain and God healed you.

To bring life to my son, I first had a cesarean section, my very first scar was bringing life to another human bean and that I am very proud of. I know there are women out there would love to exchange places with me so cheers to my first battle scar. (1991). The first times since then that I wore a 2-piece bathing suit was last year 2018 on the day of my 46th birthday, because they have now created high waist suits and still for that it took some courage for me to do it.

Followed by a  tracheostomy which is a medical procedure — either temporary or permanent — that involves creating an opening in the neck in order to place a tube into a person’s windpipe. The tube is inserted through a cut in the neck below the vocal cords. This allows air to enter the lungs. Mine was temporary while I was in the coma, but a very visible scar lives on my neck. That scar kept life in me, without it I would not be here to tell you my story.

What you cannot see in the scar left by a  feeding tube which is a device that’s inserted into your stomach through your abdomen. It’s used to supply nutrition when you have trouble eating.  What you cannot see is the way I was fed while I was in the coma. That scar is a small hole the uumm I would say not extremely visible to others, but I know its there.

My next scar of honor are the my two shoulder replacement surgeries which left visible scars on my shoulders. I know these are not the last battles I have to fight but there is no time but the present to being in love with who you are and truly letting go of who you used to be on the outside.

I have battle scars of the heart, they are unseen but there is so much damage there. Caring for people, being honest, faithful, trusting people, only to be left empty. I have worked hard to repair all that hurt and damage with God’s help I can truly say I have let go and let God heal. Honestly, I am still the same person on the inside and that’s all that really matter.

“For I will restore health to you and heal your wounds.” Says the lord. – and that he has.

Today, if you are struggling to accept yourself or who you are because of your battle scares I encourage you to ware it like the badge of honor it represents. It’s like someone going into the war and receiving a purple heart medal but refusing to display it. You have been to war, yes you were wounded but you survived and for that you are to be respected, loved and cherish. Go out an be unapologetic you!

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