Did I share with you my depression period – it all happened in my life after a coma well of course this is what my blog is all about. So here goes my chapter on DEPRESSION. I never knew or understood what depression felt like. After all I have never really been depressed before September 9, 2014. Sure I have been sad, uncertain with life, angry, and maybe a little lonely all things that can be resolved with shopping, friends, church or an activity. The meaning of depression taken from Mayo clinic is Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called a major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think, and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. Here’s a little bit of information when you are in a coma you are given several medications to rule out or help figure out the whys and hows. In my case my body had a total organ shut down and damage including my brain. Somewhere between the end of December to January (no recollection) after I was discharged and finally able to be in my own home and bed after three months I developed a terrible excruciating headache. I was admitted for another week and a half to which I was given seizure medication.
I digress, my original discharge from the Rehabilitation Hospital I wasn’t given medications for seizures among other medications. I didn’t understand (then again I didn’t and still don’t understand my care). The dosage of that particular drug was never altered and I was given a strong dosage.
I didn’t know when or how or even for the fact I was depressed all I knew is I wanted out of life, I kept crying out to God “why did you wake me up?” “why did you bring me back to this earth” ” I want to die” while driving I fantasied of my car crashing into no chances of survival. My world felt dark, no amount of sunlight made it bright. I didn’t want to speak to family or friends, I turned my cell off most times. I felt they wouldn’t understand because my life changed and theirs did not. My best friend was the only one who noticed. Despite the fact, I yelled and told her to LEAVE ME alone and do not call me. Her response was always when I signed up to be your best friend I did not sign up to leave you alone, it was to be there through good and bad. I leave when I want to not when you tell me to.
I also had a home nurse who called me to check on me, but she always said you have been through a lot and it’s ok to be a little depressed. For the most part I denied I was depressed but I would still say I do not know what it feels like to be depressed. Few times she would mention the medication maybe to much and I should call the doctor. Those words would linger in my head though about being depressed.
I will never forget the day when I prayed and called out to GOD. I was on my way to work and again the thoughts of getting into one of those fire blazing no hope car crash entered my head. I soon as I got to the parking lot I told God he knows me better than anyone and how much I love and cherish life. I would never cause myself pain. He told me that the plans he has for me is to prosper not to hurt me. I need a sign from him that this is true.
That very same day my medication was delivered and I have never read the side effect, but that day I sat in my living room, pulled out the box, and began reading. The first thing I saw Severe side effects suicidal ideations, depression, mood swings…. the list went on and on and I went to dialing. I got an immediate appointment and a change of medication.
Only to conclude three years later I did not need the medication, in the first place. I had no proof I had a seizure, I do not think the medical records were even obtained. It was just one doctor’s conclusion that followed me for years.
Thank my “MUM’ I was raised in a Christian home and had faith to believe in God, that he still sits on a throne and causes miracles to happen to everyday sinners like me. This week has been mentally difficult for me because six years ago there was no guarantee of me waking up but each day I am mentally reminded and exhausted that September ninth I went into a sleep that changed my life.
Phoenix: Live Love Laugh 