Begin date of post: May 29, 2022
I haven’t written in over a year. I believe my last post was on my 48th Birthday in December 2020, but what started off as a small miserable feeling turned out to be my biggest fight. I actually tried writing when it first began in 2021 but I was defeated and it still sits in my drafts.
A mental fight. Sure I have talked about my sickle cell disease and what it has done to me physically. Avascular Necrosis (AVN) in my bones results is both shoulders replacements including my left hip being replaced replacement. Physical pain non-stop for three years. Even reflecting back I don’t understand how I got out of bed every day, all I can say is it’s the God in me. I could not have endured all this physical pain alone.
I digress, about a few months leading up to my birthday I knew emotionally I wasn’t right. Situations that I should be used to had me irritated and irrational, but afterthoughts had me questioning my reactions. “why was I so upset?”, “Why did simple gestures irritate me?”, “why all of a sudden I was filled with hate and discontent for certain people?” I felt miserable and horrible about my own emotions, I old me (pre-coma) would never have acted on these emotions. I prayed daily, every minute, every hour because I felt like God was my only go-to for understanding what I was dealing with.
I felt emotionless, I was not happy, I was not sad, I had no joy, I had no contentment, I felt no love. I do know I used to have them and they were there a long time ago but seems they were gone and I had no way to manifest them back to life. I did not feel like talking to anyone, if someone called depending on who I would answer my phone. And when I said depending on who that was a very small who (my mom, my BFF or my cousin) that pretty narrowed it. I would watch the call come through and ignore it. For the first time in my life I was miserable. If you have been following my blog you will notice it’s all about “life after a coma” my first depression piece was September 2020 Depression and Mental Health. It talks about my experience with a medical effect.
In December 2020, I went to my PCP and told her I give up, I surrender I will try medication. It was something we discussed in prior visits but I was adamant about not taking medication for my anxiety and depression and this was just a passing phase in my life. I left the office with a prescription for the lowest dosage of Sertraline 25 mg. What is sertraline? Sertraline is an antidepressant that belongs to a group of drugs called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). It is used to treat major depressive disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), panic disorder, social anxiety disorder (SAD), and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This is where my life after a coma takes a different path, I have told you about most of the physical journey now we begin with the mental journey. Stay tuned there is a year and a half of events to try to remember and to write on my good mental days and they are not many.
Until the next episode – Live, Love, Laugh, Learn.
Posted/written end date: July 4, 2022