This morning I sat down to read my emails like I usually do and for no reason I began to cry. I paused to think, “why am I crying?” I realized for the last 5 years particularly the last past year, I have cried more than I have ever cried in my entire life. A light deep down in me have gone out and I have been struggling to relight it. Emotions flood me and then I can not stop them, I know crying is healing but why do I not feel like I am healing. I cry because I am tired. I cry because I am in pain. I cry because I hurt and I am hurting physically, mentally, emotionally, financially and spiritually all at once.
In my head I have established that it’s okay to be tired but why is it overwhelming for me lately. Financially tired of fighting with the United States Government and businesses. Blood sucking vultures that’s my definition for them. They take and take and take until they suck the life out of you. I think the new age term call “stay woke” (Phrase used to make sure people around you are aware of reality) truly gives meaning to how these two entities are shaped. the sad thing about that is once you are woke you cannot go back to sleeping. It changes your entire view point, makes you see things in a way you never saw them before. It is also true that unless you are in the situation you will never understand the choices or decisions people make. Not because it’s not happening to you doesn’t mean it does not exist.
Emotionally tired of giving 100% in relationships with everyone only to always receive 25% from them. Once you realize your worth, you get so disgusted when you reminisce about the stuff you settled for and from people. There are so many people from your past that knows a version of you that doesn’t and will never exist anymore. I was always in a position to help someone and even when I was not I tried, and I was glad to do it because I was being used to answer someone’s prayer. I was always the “sure thing“, ” the sure one“, “the sure babysitter“, “the sure auntie“, ” the sure girlfriend” “the sure friend“, if you every needed someone to count on and follow through then I was the pick.
Tired of wondering where do I go from here Mentally because the doctor’s have told me the damage in my brain is done and there is nothing I can do about it. Only that I need to reinvent myself and find something else I am good at and I love. ‘Say what” huh all I know is in that damaged brains, all I am capable of lies deep down in this damaged brains, all I have learned in embedded somewhere in that damaged brains, all my creativity is deeply rooted in that damaged brains. Everything I love started out as a thought in that damaged brains.
Physically tired of being in pain for five year straight no stops, no breaks, hospitalizations in three different states, surgeries in three different states. Anything that could go wrong within a body went wrong in mine.
Spiritually tired but this tiredness was and is the only one that will set me free.. so I cried because of how blessed I am, how grateful God had been to me, the blessings known and unknown to most he has supplied me with. That cry was deeper and harder. God was saying to me today, “I know you have been struggling for a long time. Financially, spiritually and emotionally, you have a good heart and people have abused you in many ways. The devil has tried to make you lose your mind many times. You have been betrayed in many ways, yet you still stand in the midst of your storms. You are still here because I am with you. I will not allow any weapons to prosper, fear not, I am going to turn things around and bless you in the presence of your enemies. HOLD on to your faith.” These are the deep shower cries, the driving cries, the sky blue sunny cries, the tears that makes you feel like your soul and sins are washed so clean.
I don’t know who needs to hear this or read this – but HOLD ON to your faith, hope, and who you are. Don’t let go, don’t give up, it’s coming. too many people give up too soon.